when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
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When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
thanks auntie mary
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.