Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
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“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Carpe DM
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.