Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
As the Lord intended
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me