DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
You Might Also Like
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Why are bridges so flammable.
I did not eat the cake…
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat