This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
You Might Also Like
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
If snakes were wide
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?