Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
You Might Also Like
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Phones down.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…