The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
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Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not