I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
2022 be like
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.