Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.