If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
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I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
🤣🤣🤣
Room with a view.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry