Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
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“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
cry laughing at this shit