Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
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losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
OMG 🤣🤣
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.