The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
You Might Also Like
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
ok like just. call me at this point
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.