Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you