[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
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The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”