If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
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‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.