Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Cheers Twitter.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
How wrong was this guy?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”