“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
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Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.