“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
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I’m having an out of money experience.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Oh my god
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Me driving through Toronto
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
congratulations to them
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then