God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
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If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.