There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.