@UncleDuke1969

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

You Might Also Like

@goodgrief_rats

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

@SvnSxty

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

@_lesleyallan

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

@pradacid

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

@68Cly29

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

@darksidedeb

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

@YasmeenMS

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

@envydatropic

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit