“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
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I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.