“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

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I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.


Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!


“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden


if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity


Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.


Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.


‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.


in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle



How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit