That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
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When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
The human personality is made of five key elements
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.