My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?