*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
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Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.