@AtticusFinch79

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

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*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

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Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

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Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

@DamienFahey

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

@STRIKINGxVIKING

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

@tarashoe

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

@bvb1123

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

@curlymalloy

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

@JohnLyonTweets

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.