13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
You Might Also Like
I did not eat the cake…
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare