@DamonHunzeker

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

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@TheNardvark

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

@PaulyPeligroso

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

@TheDailyEdge

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

@flashember

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

@Elizasoul80

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

@abbycohenwl

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

@RealSamHarwood

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

@whalesmells

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

@MsLisaM

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls