I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
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Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.