@TEXASVETERAN Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
@DamonHunzeker I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
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@TEXASVETERAN 
@TheNardvark You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
@PaulyPeligroso You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
@TheDailyEdge Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
@flashember TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
@Elizasoul80 Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
@abbycohenwl [cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
@RealSamHarwood Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
@whalesmells Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
@MsLisaM 🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls