All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more