All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
You Might Also Like
This is hilarious
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
#CoronaOutbreak
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door