M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
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olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.