[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
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I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
had to share :’)
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale