The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
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“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.