*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no