please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
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Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Very good! 👍😂
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Pretty much! 😂👀
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.