Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
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*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
He a real one for that
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Friday
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Safety first
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Breaking news:
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil