king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
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Why is everyone getting married at me
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.