[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
You Might Also Like
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Does your wife know you’re single?
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Me trying to look natural in photos
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there