My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

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Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.


If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.


If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.


I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.


If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.


If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention


Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5


Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?


Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot


[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard