@tiReynard

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

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@JB1971_

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

@clindsaysway

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

@daviddeweil

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

@rocknthepurple

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

@volthetime

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

@envydatropic

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

@NutttyV

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

@BCMontgo

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

@dreamthievin

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

@Jennuflect

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard