@JB1971_ Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
@tiReynard My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
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@JB1971_ 
@clindsaysway If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
@daviddeweil If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
@rocknthepurple I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
@volthetime If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
@envydatropic If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
@NutttyV Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
@BCMontgo Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
@dreamthievin Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
@Jennuflect [taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard