This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
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i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.