Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
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If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
me, after any kind of buffet.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]