Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
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“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it