Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
“Knight to f3”
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. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.