“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

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Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children


. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.


My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?


Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …


“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores


Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.


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Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.


I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.


Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.