Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
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“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
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