Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Can’t. Being lazy.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles