just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.