man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet