Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
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Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Tastes like chicken.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.