All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
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Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.