My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
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Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
me and who
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.