Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
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Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Europe. Made in Germany.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with