[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Trying
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.