Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
You Might Also Like
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Saturday
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie