@TheSeanBrewster

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

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@elle91

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

@envydatropic

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

@CrockettForReal

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

@lovemydogduck

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

@TheRolo

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

@gvicks

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

@DnDSesame

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

@fro_vo

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen