Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
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Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]